I welcome my day listening to SB19’s Liham. Again, this song is like a love letter I want to write back to the boys. I couldn’t imagine life if I didn’t meet them, if I didn’t hear their songs, if I didn’t cross paths with them.
It’s like fate that I met them during my darkest hours, when I was at my lowest. They were like my savior, my hero, my light…
I couldn’t imagine reaching 36 years.
With all of those attempts of ending my life early, with all of those self-harm I inflicted to myself, with all the pain and hurting I had to endure – I am here, celebrating life.
It brings me back to one of my favorite FT Island song, itsuka:
今も解けない魔法が
過ちも不安もこの淚も
生きている喜びに変えて
Ima mo tokenai mahou ga
Ayamachi mo fuan mo kono namida mo
Ikiteiru yorokobi ni kaetе
even now, the unbreakable magic changes the mistakes and the anxiety and the tears into the joy to be alive
I am always emotional whenever I hear that line!
Even though I treat myself as trash, as garbage, there are still people who love and accept me for who and what I am.
I am not kind with myself, but they shower me with affections that I lack.
I am a trash.
But for them, I was as important as a gem.
A treasure.
I don’t love myself that much.
But they do. So much.
So, I continue walking this path not only for myself, but also for them.
I keep on walking so I won’t disappoint them.
Just imagine a bedridden patient with all of the life support attached to them.
Literally, that’s me.
Right now, I just continue trying to like myself more, treasure myself more, and live the best that I can every day. Treat each day as my last. Just enjoy the things I want to do.
And be me.
Happy birthday to me!
Kona-chan, By Heart 